In the latest episode of “The Trump Show: Cabinet Grovel Edition,” Attorney General Pam Bondi has entered the chat — and she brought math so fuzzy it needs a seeing-eye dog.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a sycophant-heavy Cabinet meeting commemorating Donald Trump’s first 100 days of his second term, Attorney General Pam Bondi made what might be the most gloriously unhinged statement of the administration yet: that 75% of Americans would be dead right now if not for Trump.
Yes. Dead. As in 258 million corpses saved from fentanyl overdoses single-handedly by one man with a spray tan and a Truth Social password.
The Cult Has a Leader, and It’s Math-Optional
Bondi, formerly best known for attacking Disney and defending Trump’s hush money payments with a smile, has now ascended to High Priestess of Presidential Praise. Seated across from Trump, she gushed:
“Your first 100 days have far exceeded that of any other presidency in this country. Ever. Ever. Never seen anything like it. Thank you.”
Then came the whopper:
“Because of the fentanyl seizures under your leadership—3,400 kilos!—we saved 258 million lives.”
Let’s just pause and appreciate that. The U.S. population? Around 340 million. According to Bondi, 75% of those people were moments away from death… And Trump pulled them all back from the brink like a cowboy Narcan ninja.
Context? Who Needs It?
She even turned to the press cameras and smirked:
“Are you ready for this, media?”
We were not. But the Internet was. Within minutes, memes were flying. One popular post showed Trump photoshopped onto the Titanic, holding fentanyl pills like flotation devices, shouting, “I can save them all!”
It’s worth noting that opioid overdoses actually declined in 2024, largely due to widespread availability of Narcan — a life-saving nasal spray that the Trump administration is now proposing to defund by $56 million in its draft budget.
So while Bondi is crediting Trump for saving the entire nation, his actual policy direction seems aimed at cutting off the tool most credited with that success.
The Math Keeps Getting Worse
Bondi wasn’t done. On Fentanyl Awareness Day (April 29), she posted on X:
“In President Trump’s first 100 days, we’ve seized over 22 million fentanyl-laced pills, saving over 119 million lives.”
That’s 119 million lives saved in 24 hours—or roughly the population of Mexico plus Canada.
By this logic, Trump is on track to save the entire solar system by the end of the fiscal year.
Trump Smiles, Cabinet Grovels, Reality Cries
Other Cabinet members followed suit. EPA head Lee Zeldin called Trump’s term the “most consequential 100 days in U.S. history.” Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent — despite a contracting economy thanks to Trump’s tariff blitz — praised his “momentous leadership.”
But Bondi outflattered them all, earning what can only be described as a full-court cringe from anyone with a calculator or basic human dignity.
What This Really Is
This wasn’t about drugs. This was about fealty. A live broadcast of power worship so intense, it should’ve come with a trigger warning for anyone who’s ever failed a lie detector test.
The idea that Trump personally prevented 258 million fentanyl deaths is not just absurd — it’s a textbook example of misinformation designed to deify a political leader and distract from policies that undercut actual solutions.
Bondi didn’t offer public health strategies. She offered a numbers-based fairy tale, told straight into the camera like a North Korean press conference.
